Dare to Live: Converting Fear Into Courage

I wrote this 5 years ago when my company sent me to Peru for Volunteer Service Trip.

I just want you to remember: when you have fear - that's mean it's time to fly even higher than you ever did before!

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This is crazy.

What on earth am I doing here…?

I think I'm starting to have hallucination and disorientation after 30 hours flying - and still hours to go until I reach my destination.

It all started with a song: We are the World and a glance of TV’s advertisement to save children in Africa. I was 13 years old back then.

When I saw that short documentary, there was a deep feeling moving in my heart. I feel like I need to be there. For what? I don’t know. But I just know that I need to be there. If I don’t know what to do, then I just be there helping whatever I can or to be their friend or whatever.

Maybe the influence of My mom who has been so imaginative to tell me about the world - even from when I was so young. My Mom never go outside Indonesia at that time, but She always has a dream to see the world. So as the first child, her daughter, she passed on that dream to me. She even told the story of Jesus with pictures and map. She told me about kings, queens, and princess with fairy tales and a map. She bought a globe to give me pictures and ideas of how big the world you live and most of all how big is our God who created the world.

And then life took me to a decision.

I entered Medical School.

That desire keep rhyme on the deep side of my heart although it seem faded away because I was in a relationship and my boyfriend and I were very different in this kind of point of view. But honestly I was not fighting enough for what I want in life. If you ask me what I regret the most, maybe this is the one! That I was not fighting enough for what I want in life.

So this idea of knowing many things in this world (as a background) made me here. Thousands feet about the earth - miles away from home.

Years later… I decided to work again as professionals.

This company I work has a program. It’s like CSR program - And this year (2014) they manage 4 project to Haiti, Peru, Papua New Guinea, and somewhere around Africa. When I saw this program I know that I have to join this challenging program.

But I have to wait 1 year as an employee there before I can join the program. So after 1 year I submit my self to Peru Volunteers Service Trip (VST) project. Why Peru? Because at Peru I will volunteers my self as a Primary Health Service at the Women’s Health Clinic. I always have a passion for woman. So here I aa - and I will meet poor, uneducated women at Andean Highland.

I observe the movement of my heart from the 1st time I write the submission letter for this VST, when I get interviewed, and when I received the news that I was accepted. And then there was a juggling feeling when I know I put my team in country to a difficult situation because of my VST, but then it was solved… I can go!!!

Suddenly I felt one funny feeling. I say it funny, because I felt this kind of feeling before. But this time it feels so different.

One side or maybe I can say 2/3 of my heart feels like paralyze. Can’t move. Numb. Blaming and even cursing myself of the dumb decision that I made which make me have to go more than ten thousand km from my comfort zone. But on the other side… Small piece of my heart…. Feel that courage.

The ability to dance with the fear.

To fly with the fear for more than 30hours.

The small piece but have a very deep and I can feel it physically how warm that feeling and it feels like I can soar mountain and hugs every woman there with love.

I close my eyes and imagine their smile, and it gives me unspeakable strength. Like now. I write this from 35000 feet and I still have 3hours and 35minutes reaching Lima.

I am so tired. Physically and I feel like I never reach the destination. But when we feel that small part of our heart that burn by something deep and meaningful, Esp after I wrote it one by one in this journal - I feel like I am alive again.

That’s how strong and powerful the desire of self giving.

Yes It all started with a deep desire of a young girl to give herself to humanity in the name of God’s love.

But then, that noble deepest desire fading because too many failures, bad self image, and hurts that made me think why I have to care of somebody else if I can’t feel loved.

What can I give? How can I give? I even don’t have myself. But our creator know the deepest desire of our heart. Like in this trip, I feel that this the sign of God’s faithfulness in my life. He fulfill it customized, one by one, like the way He created us.

I have Peru in my heart from years ago… Funny isn’t it? This ‘always European orientation’ gal had a feeling for South America. I remember  I put Peru on my trip list after I read Tin Tin in Peru years ago… (Almost at the same time with when I saw that African children on TV).

Since then From time to time I did a research on Inca-Maya stories, and today yes I visit Peru but to be more specific I will spend 10 days working at CerviCosco Clinic at Cusco which is the heritage city of Inca-Maya heritage. See how God works not only just give it away?

But He is being so specific and detail.

All we need is to be specific and detail to what and how we want to make it happen. Especially how that dream can be a blessings for others. As for me… The process to make that dream come true is my reward.

So I have a responsibility to make the result of that dream to be blessings and goodness for others.

As I said before… i am afraid, yet excited.

Not knowing of what will be happen there, how can I survive, waking up to the unknown make me so scared.

But knowing that I am here today because of the courage I had yesterday to spend the night and the grace of waiting for tomorrow .

Hope always there to give us a brand new day.

In this case… In this VST I choose the couragce to give myself to others.

Even when it seems there’s nothing more left to give.

I know God is with me all the way.

If I have God on my side, then to whom I shall be afraid?

16 Oktober 2014

Flight LA to Lima

Writing this with the back ground of song Dare to live (Vivere)

from Andrea Bocelli with Laura PausiniTry looking at tomorrow not yesterday And all the things you left behind All those tender words you did not say The gentle touch you couldn’t findIn these days of nameless faces There is no one truth but only pieces My life is all i have to giveDare to live until the very last Dare to live forget about the past Dare to live giving something of yourself to others Even when it seems there’s nothing more left to giveBut if you see a human In front of your entrance Who sleeps wrapped in a box, If you would listen to the world in the morning Without the noise of the rain. You are that one who can create with your voice, You think with the thoughts of people, Of the God who is just the God.To live, no one has ever taught it, To live, it’s impossible to live without the past, To live is beautiful even if you have never asked for. It will be a song, someone will sing it.Dare to live searching for the ones you love, (Why, why, why, why are you not living tonight?) Dare to live no one but we all, (Why, why, why, why are you not living now?) Dare to live until the very last, (Why, why, why is the life not the life?) Your life is all you have to give (Because) You have not lived the life!Dare to live until the very last, (Why, why, why is the life not the life?) Your life is all you have to give (Because) You have never lived.I will say no (I will say yes) Say dare to live Dare to live